Thursday, June 22, 2017

Riding the Waves


We're not sure if you know this, but California (and much of the western U.S.) is in a crazy heatwave right now. On Father's Day it was 108 degrees! Our house is still a work in progress, and this heatwave week has turned out to be a particularly bad time to have no insulation in the attic. Thankfully, our air conditioning is working some and it hasn't gotten above the mid-80s inside the house.



Morning playground time on Father's Day - 6/18/2017

Speaking of the house, we are making some progress. Putting things on the walls, building closet organizers, buying patio furniture, and getting bids on turf were all big activities over the past month. We've both been able to stay pretty chill about the continued chaos, but impatience is starting to creep in. While not necessarily a bad thing (it will push us to manage the work and GET IT DONE), it does remind us that emotional regulation is a different beast after losing Oberon.


Obie and Evie newborn canvases - UP! 

In some ways, the enormity of Oberon's loss makes it easy to let the "small stuff" roll off our backs. It makes sense not to get wound up over things that don't really matter and simply let the waves wash over us. In other times, the exact opposite is true. For whatever reason, something gets stuck and we can't properly manage it. Being able to recognize those moments is helpful because we can clue each other in - "I know I'm overreacting, but this is really affecting me." But recognition doesn't always help with the internal struggle. Heart racing, stress mounting, tears welling, it can be hard to stop the spiral. Coping mechanisms that used to work (deep breaths, logic, talking about it) aren't reliable anymore.

Weathering the different types of waves is a learning process we'll be in the rest of our lives. Little waves we can ignore, little waves that compound and turn into huge waves, and legitimate tsunamis are all going to happen. Acknowledging that sometimes helps.

One set of waves we've been handling lately is a bit familiar. For the third time in four years, Elizabeth is pregnant. We are excited, yet measured. Hopeful, yet anxious. Things are so different from our first two pregnancies, but there is still familiarity.

Hard to see, but Elizabeth is holding Obie's O - so technically it is the five of us - 6/18/2017

There was still the early part of pregnancy when we didn't really believe it was happening. Especially this time because we were surprised with how quickly it happened.

The first trimester was a lot tougher on Elizabeth physically than with Oberon or Everett. She was nauseated a lot more and for a lot longer. Her belly "popped" a bit earlier as well, and it was difficult to keep it a secret for very long. We've had to manage the emotional response to telling people a little bit sooner than we had originally intended.

When the telling began - 4/27/2017

One thing that made us feel a (tiny) bit better about sharing the news was the Harmony Non-Invasive Prenatal Testing (NIPT) that we did early on. This test only checks for major chromosomal abnormalities, but it was nice to have something tangible during the first trimester. We found out that Bitty Beastie has the normal amount of chromosomes and we also found out that she's a girl!

Bitty needed souvenirs from her first Disneyland visit.

She's our first girl, and she's also the first girl (after many boys) on the Fiorani side. It's nice to have an excuse to buy some things specifically for Bitty. She'll use a lot (a LOT) of hand-me-downs, but she'll have some new things too.

In general, the waves of Bitty's pregnancy have been smaller and easier to handle than Everett's pregnancy. We've come up with lots of reasons for this, but who knows which one is really impacting our emotional state.
  • Easier physically: Now that the nausea has subsided (for the most part), Elizabeth is having a relatively easy time physically. Maybe it was the back-to-back pregnancies, maybe it's just different this time. So far, ancillary discomforts have been minimal.
  • Time is going faster: After Oberon died, time dragged. Each day felt like a marathon. That's less true now. We find we aren't always sure exactly what week of pregnancy it is, and sometimes we are surprised when we do the math. It's a nice difference.
  • Everett: For a couple of reasons, having Everett here (and healthy) is making this pregnancy less consistently stressful. Evie is growing and changing so much, and we are really enjoying parenting him. It's a lot of energy to take care of (and keep up with!) him, but it really does keep us from focusing too much internally.
Even with distractions and differences, there are still waves to handle. We have less time to focus on anxiety and worry, and that can start to feel like jinxing. In addition, it can lead to guilt about not focusing on the pregnancy and honestly guilt about not feeling as anxious. We don't know the outcome of this pregnancy, and ignoring that can feel wrong.

More big waves came as we had the anatomy scan. (Spoiler alert - no concerns identified!) The ultrasound technician asked Elizabeth whether she wanted to focus on anything specific given our history, and Elizabeth just started crying and couldn't speak. She pretty much cried through the whole appointment (luckily Chris is a good hand-holder). 

The technician and the doctor were both pretty gentle, but there are always words and phrases that just hit us in the heart. Although it was a tough day, the most important thing is that Bitty looks healthy. 

Another new thing for this pregnancy is that Chris is giving Elizabeth her weekly progesterone injections at home. For those of you who know Chris, he is really not a fan of needles so this is a big undertaking for him - and he's doing great.

If you've made it this far, congratulations! You get to find out Bitty's bug...although we think it's pretty obvious...

JJ paw photobombing the BittyBug



And her color is indigo. We've already started finding things in our three colors!






Saturday, May 13, 2017

A House And A Mouse

We've officially moved.

Emotionally, I think it's been easier than we anticipated. We packed up the truck three weeks ago now. Unpacking is slow going, and part of that is because we've got a laundry list of work to do on the house before we can officially "settle in."

Our new house - May 2, 2017

But even 80% settled in is treating us pretty well. Evie runs all over the house and has mastered the half step into the family room. Kitty litter has it's own space (for the most part). Most of the major furniture is already anchored.

Playing in the new house - April 25, 2017

Already Checked-off the to-do list:
  • Whole house painted
  • Bedroom, dining room and living room furniture purchased
  • Appliances cleaned
  • New dishwasher
  • Halogen and incandescent bulbs replaced with LEDs
  • New locks, new front door handle, and door jams fixed
  • Drain lines in the bathroom replaced (drains downhill instead of uphill now!)
  • Gas shutoff valve for fireplace put in a safe place
  • New garage door opener
  • Major electrical work almost done (lots of new wiring, making circuts and outlets safe, running new wire throughout, installing recessed lighting in bedrooms)
  • TV mounted on bedroom wall
Still on the to-do list:
  • Patio furniture
  • Dining room storage furniture
  • Closet destruction / organization
  • Decorate the nursery
  • Hang stuff on the walls
  • Maybe turf in the back yard
  • Maybe redoing a bathroom
  • Solar system
  • And more!
It seemed crazy, but one of the best things we did was take a few days to go down to Disneyland the week we moved in. It was a chance to decompress, to visit with Elizabeth's parents, to get away from the house and that endless to-do list.

Woody, meet little Woody - April 28, 2017

As probably every parent says, Disney is different with kids. It was still a lot of fun, but totally different. Evie had fun, but he doesn't know anything about the characters so his fun was being able to run around and to look at all the things and people. Plus Mommy's bride ears. Plus the amazing new foods!

In line for Peter Pan (his first ride!) - April 27, 2017

Some people feed their kids off their plates, but we were purchasing a kids meal (not a toddler meal) almost every time! Our boy can sure put the food away. Especially mac and cheese! He also got a taste of Dole Whip and the Gray Stuff (it's delicious).

Meeting lots of characters on April 27-28, 2017

He wasn't afraid of the characters, but wasn't particularly delighted by them either. He liked the rides, but wasn't overly excited. His favorite thing to do was run around. He sure looked cute doing it, too!

Walking around and riding rides - April 27-28, 2017

One special moment was when we met Mickey Mouse. We were second in line and rushing to get ready (with Everett sleeping in Elizabeth's arms). After we took pictures, we realized we had forgotten to get out Obie's O for the pictures. The cast members there were amazing and let us sneak back in to take more pictures with Obie's O. They clearly have dealt with loss families before, and it showed. It was comforting that they were willing to talk about it directly and be sensitive, but it's also so sad to realize how many times they must have dealt with this. Infant loss is rare, but not *that* rare and there are a lot of people in the world.

Sleeping through meeting the main mouse - April 28, 2017

Did we mention it was also our 5th wedding anniversary? To celebrate, Grandma and Grandpa Fiorani babysat while Chris and Elizabeth had a relaxing dinner at Napa Rose followed by the World of Color fountain show at Disney's California Adventure. It's a great show, but we were puzzled (and emotionally gut-punched) when the scenes went from Colors of the Wind (Pocahontas) to Under the Sea (The Little Mermaid) to Mufasa dying (The Lion King). WHY would you put an extended sequence involving parent death in a nighttime family show? What a way to end our day at Disney.

Even with the weird, frustrating ending to the park days, we had a great time and are glad we took a couple days for our family. There's certainly enough work to do over the next few months!




Wednesday, April 19, 2017

On The Move

We're moving!

As with everything these days, it's bittersweet. We're doing our best to focus on the sweet while still acknowledging the bitter. So in that spirit...

The Bitter.
  • We're leaving our first home together. Our first family home. This is where Chris proposed, where we found out we were expecting Obie and Evie, where we set up the nursery for Obie, where we brought our boys home to. And yes, where Obie died. We don't think the full weight of leaving has hit us yet, but we expect it will be a tough few days.  
Showing Obie his room for the first time - December 9, 2014 (Obie Xmas)

The Sweet.
  • More room!
  • A yard!
  • No more common living space drama!
  • No carpet!
  • A chance to set up a new family space, with places to memorialize Oberon and for Everett to safely play. Rather than fitting our babies into a full apartment, we get to start fresh with dedicated spaces for both our boys.
  • We'll have a chance to set up a child-safe house from the get-go.
Evie playing in the new house - April 13, 2017

The Things to Accept.
  • Our mortgage payment and property taxes have increased...a lot. We will need to adjust our lifestyle accordingly.
  • There is a lot of work ahead of us to move and to get the new house where we want it to be.
  • We need to buy almost a full house worth of new furniture! Exciting, but also daunting.
Everett has already been to the new house and really enjoys running all over. He's mastered the half step from the dining room to the family room and he loves opening and closing the closets.  The dowel rods to help lock the sliding doors also make great toys.

More and more every day, he is becoming his own person. His balance and physical development changes seemingly by the week. He walks, nearly runs, climbs, and climbs down. He hugs the cats (they let him do it, our cats are not normal).  He'd fantastic at making a mess with utensils, and just staring to understand they help him get the food into his mouth easier.

Giving Pepper a hug - April 12, 2017

Fun in the tub - March 29, 2017

Helping with the laundry - April 9, 2017

Food, glorious food - April 13, 2017

Emotionally, he's also going through changes. His face changes immediately when he hears "don't" or "no" - even if it's a very minor thing. He calms down, but the initial reaction always happens (so far). He hates being done with meals and will try to shovel in all the leftover bits when we start wiping him up. He still loves peek-a-boo and being chased, especially being "gotten." His endless giggles at at even the simplest things help us to relax and remember to enjoy spending as much time as we can with him.

Big smiles on the swing - April 1, 2017

video

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Walking, But Not Yet Talking

We recently got back from a family trip to Lake Tahoe.  It was so nice to spend time with family, although colds and the flu made for some unfortunate quarantining.

Evie's first view of the lake - 3/3/2017

Evie got his first taste of playing in the snow, lots of time with his cousins Dominic and Gordon, and plenty of cuddles with Grandma F (he was a bit wary of Grandpa F, but we're sure he'll grow out of that soon - why are so many babies skittish around men?).

We were more into the snow than Evie was - 2/28/17

Chris and Elizabeth got to ski for the first time in three years, on day at Northstar and one at Homewood.  Post-knee surgery for him and post-pregnancies for her, and we did OK!  Elizabeth's brother and sister-in-law also got to experience the majesty of Lake Tahoe skiing for the first time (thanks, grandparents, for babysitting!).
 
Skiing at Homewood with gorgeous lake views - 3/1/17 

On the Northstar gondola, ready for the slopes - 2/27/17

We also got to visit and play lots of games.  Evie loves his big bouncy ball, building towers, and giving kisses!  It was so nice to be unplugged for nearly the whole week.   It was also nice to get back to Tahoe.  Although this was Evie's first trip, his big brother Obie had been to Tahoe before (on the inside).

Hugs for cousins - 3/1/17

Maybe it was watching his cousins, maybe it was the constant attention from so many adults, but Evie is now getting more and more comfortable on those feet!  His first steps were on Valentine's Day, but now nearly a month later he can make it across the room.

Evie's first steps - playing the take diapers out and put them back in the drawer game - 2/14/2017

Watching Evie toddle around, it's very clear that we are exiting the baby phase.  It's a weird feeling because we've been in the baby phase much longer than normal.  We've been in the baby phase - from trying to conceive to having a toddler - for over three years.  Of course we hoped parenting would eventually involve all the phases, but it still stings to be moving on to a new one, and Obie isn't able to experience it.

The boys - March 3, 2017

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Raising an Activist

Our family has a lot of privilege.  A lot.

We're white, heterosexual, married, cisgender, and college-educated with no remaining student loans.  Chris is a man.  We were raised in still-married two-parent households. By and large, we are not targets for discrimination.

However, especially with the new administration going the way it is, we can't stay silent.  So, as a family, we participated in the Women's March in San Jose.  It was Everett's first peaceful protest, but it will not be his last.  Grandma and Grandpa Thoma were also in town for a visit and we are proud they marched along side us.

Marching in San Jose at the Women's March on January 21, 2017.  Everett was sleeping.

Of course, Evie is too small to understand protests, discrimination, and sexism.  That doesn't mean it isn't time for us to start instilling in him the important values that drive us to protest (and take other actions like calling our representatives, donating to legal action organizations, and volunteering).
  • Compassion.  Even though most of the issues don't impact us directly, they do impact other people.  We stand with them and we support them.
  • Privilege.  We have it and Evie has it.  How can we be good allies?
  • Knowledge.  We don't automatically know things.  We need to learn - by talking to people, by listening to experts about their research and learnings, and by recognizing things we experience directly.
  • Action.  It's one thing to think about the world and these issues, but nothing changes if people don't get off their butts!
How will we do this day-to-day?  Of course we will learn as we go.  In the spirit of learning from others, we found some fantastic resources and jumping off points:
  • Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's 15-point guide to raising a feminist.  This is lengthy, but so worth it.  It is addressed to someone raising a daughter, and an Igbo daughter at that.  Even the specifics towards raising a girl and someone with African tribal heritage are illuminating for these boy parents.
  • 9 Tips for Raising a Socially Aware Child.  This list is practical, which makes it very helpful!  It also linked to this meaty (and link-filled) blog post about talking racism with white kids. 
  • How You Can Raise an Activist Kid: A Teen's Perspective.  It is what it sounds like and offers practical advice from the child's point of view.  Our favorite quote is this one, "Tell them they will be good at the things they value because they will put more time into them, not because they were born smart or gifted."
We're planning on participating in the March for Science in April, and we'll be keeping our ears and hearts open for more opportunities to get out and speak up.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Social Justice Warrior!

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

527,040 Minutes

Holiday festivities weren't the only things worth celebrating during our Michigan trip, someone was about to turn one!

Everett on his birthday, 1/7/2017

Since Evie's first birthday was right around the corner, we had an early celebration in mid-December.  We booked a Gymboree (thanks, Grandma F, for the assist!) and are so glad we did.  Evie loved it.  He had huge smiles crawling around on the equipment and especially when doing the group activities.  He loved the group activity which involved shaking maracas so much, that he refused to let go of the maracas for the next half hour (and screamed if Mommy tried to sneak one away).

Gymboree birthday party, 12/18/2016

He had his first taste of cake (didn't care), watched his cousins and friends play (totally loved it), and his first attempts at present opening (not into it).  We were so touched that our friends and family made time during this busy time of year to come visit and play.

We took advantage of Everett's aunt, the photographer, and booked a cake smash photo shoot.  In order to get Evie to interact with the cake, we had to put strawberries on it.  Don't believe everything you see, that baby was tricked!  We were prepared for a big mess, but that just wasn't his style that day.

Image may contain: 1 person

Image may contain: 1 person

On Evie's actual birthday, we had plans to go hiking but the weather did not allow it.  Northern California got some much needed rain leading up to, during, and after Everett turned one.  Good for the parks we love, but not good for getting out of the house that day.  Instead, we spent time as a family, gave Everett his gifts from us, and relaxed.





Hanging out with the birthday boy, 1/7/2017

The big party was the day after Evie's birthday, and it was better than we ever expected.  Despite the rainy weather, lots of our local friends made the trip over.  Everett got to play with LOTS of little kids including babies, toddlers, and a few bigger kids.  He didn't get too overwhelmed until the very end, and luckily stranger danger isn't a huge problem for us.


Party time - 1/8/2017

It was an awesome day, filled with amazing and supportive people.  We're so glad we bit the bullet to have a birthday party that Evie won't remember, but there will be pictures of and we can tell him all about it on future birthdays.  Plus, we found out that he greatly prefers chocolate cake (takes after Mommy).



More first birthday party fun - 1/8/2017

Now, on the other side of 1-year-old, things feel a bit different.  Easier, maybe.  We catch ourselves using the word "baby," knowing we can't use it much longer.  Evie is growing up, just as we hope for our children.  We are so excited seeing him learn and figuring things out.

The past year seems both short and long.  It seems like a lifetime ago that Elizabeth was pregnant, that we were up every 2-3 hours with a newborn.  It seems like a hundred years since we held Oberon, and that stings.  So much has happened.

We'll keep on keeping on, enjoying the time we get with Evie and trying to limit frustration, keeping it in perspective.  Evie has started shaking his head, and we know that N-O is just around the corner.  There is so much more excitement than trepidation as we head into toddlerhood.  New challenges will come up, keeping Oberon present will require balance and flexibility, and more smiles and moments will fill our hearts than we could ever imagine.

Our family - January 14, 2017 - photo by Abby Alger Photography

*A note on the title.  Since Everett was born in a leap year, there were 527,040 minutes in his first year.  Not quite as catchy as the non-leap year total.