Dear Obie, Love Mommy

My darling son Obie,

I love you very much.  I tell you that a lot, but I want to be sure you know (as much as a newborn baby can).  I am trying as hard as I can to surround you with love, but not smother you.  I'd rather cuddle you all the time, but sometimes you seem more content in the sleeper or laying down on a blanket.  It's probably nice to have a change of pace from time to time.  Right now you look very peaceful, so I'll let you sleep and I'll write you this letter.

Obie right now, having a 2 a.m. snooze.

December 19, 2014

I want to say thank you, Obie.  Thank you for making me a mom.  I really like being your mom.  I liked it when you were growing in my belly, and I love it now that you're here.  When you were in my belly, you gave me so many happy moments - finding out about you, telling friends and family, hearing your heartbeat, seeing you on the sonogram, feeling you kick, and preparing for your arrival.  These were all special moments that you gave to your dad and me.  Now that you're here, your cry holds so much power over me and I'd do anything to soothe you.  Even though I hate when you cry, I'm so happy to hear you make your noises!  I know that you can tell me, at least a little, when you need something.  I'm thankful for that.

Thank you for making my husband a daddy.  He's a really great dad, but you know that already.  Watching him take care of you and love you has made me love him even more (and I didn't think that was possible).  It's bittersweet to watch how amazing he is with you, but mostly sweet.  If there were any doubts about whether your dad would be good with babies, those have been completely wiped out.  I can't decide whether I prefer holding you close to me or watching your dad hold you close.  We'll just have to take turns.

Thank you for letting my love for you grow.  I didn't see you a lot on your birthday, and at first it was a little hard to believe you were really mine.  I'm not sure if that's because I wasn't with you or because it was a brand new experience - having MY child here.  I was scared that I wouldn't feel the over-the-moon love other parents talked about.  Then, when we found out you wouldn't be with us that long, I was even more scared that there wouldn't be time for my love to grow.  But it did.  Every day I love you more.  That will be true every day you are here, I'm certain of it.  Probably some days after too.

Thank you for being so brave.  You have gone through so much already, and I am so sorry for that.  You have handled everything so well.  Too well, maybe.  You don't have to be brave anymore, Obie.  We just want you to feel safe, comfortable, and loved.  We'll do our best to make that happen, every day.  We are so happy we got to meet you, introduce you to family, and take you home.  Thank you for being strong enough for those things to happen.  We will all keep the happy memories forever.

You have also showed your dad and me how amazing our friends and family are.  I never would have expected your family to drop everything to come visit you, during the busiest month of the year!  I never could have imagined the love that has come in from near and far in the form of kind words, meaningful mementos and presents for you, food for your dad and me, and offers of support.  And your party!  With less than 24 hours notice, you had so many visitors - again during one of the busiest times of the year!  Your dad and I feel the love, and we hope you do too.

When I get sad - which happens every day - I remind myself that I don't have to be sad for you.  I should be happy for you, that you have such a loving family and caring friends.  Your dad and I are working with the doctors and nurses to make your life as comfy and loving as we can.  I think we're doing a pretty good job, since your cries are usually tied to poopy diapers (either needing to make one, or needing to get out of one).  Obie time is happy time.  The sadness can wait.  It isn't for you anyway, the sadness is for your dad and me because we will miss you so much.  And when I miss you, I'll remember the happy Obie times.  I'll remember how lucky we are.  Lucky to have you as our son, lucky to have our family, and lucky to have so many wonderful ways to remember you.  We have beautiful photos, videos, handprints, footprints, ornaments and trinkets with your name on them, and of course our actual memories from all the time we are spending with you.

I'm letting go of the dreams I had for you growing up.  They were mine, not yours anyway.  You'll be my perfect baby forever.  I'll never yell at you, get frustrated with you, or disappointed in you.  And that makes me a pretty lucky mom.  You'll never be alone.  You'll never be teased or disappointed in yourself.  You'll be surrounded by love your whole life.  Pure, simple, unconditional love.  Uncomplicated.  While I never would have wished for this life for you, I'm learning to accept that it is what's best for you and it doesn't have to be sad.  At least not all the time.

I love you very much, Oberon.  I love you because you are my son.  I love you because you made your dad and me parents.  I love you because you are perfect.  I love your little nose, and the fact that you have your dad's hairline.  I love your noises and stretches.  I love your tiny hands and feet.  I love your plentiful, soft hair.  I love your smell.  I'm so thankful that your dad and I get to dedicate this time to you.  We get to focus all our attention on our first little beastie.

You're still sleeping peacefully, so I won't disturb you to hold you yet.  But I will give you kisses.

All the kisses.

All my love, forever and always,

Mommy