527,040 Minutes

Holiday festivities weren't the only things worth celebrating during our Michigan trip, someone was about to turn one!

Everett on his birthday, 1/7/2017

Since Evie's first birthday was right around the corner, we had an early celebration in mid-December.  We booked a Gymboree (thanks, Grandma F, for the assist!) and are so glad we did.  Evie loved it.  He had huge smiles crawling around on the equipment and especially when doing the group activities.  He loved the group activity which involved shaking maracas so much, that he refused to let go of the maracas for the next half hour (and screamed if Mommy tried to sneak one away).

Gymboree birthday party, 12/18/2016

He had his first taste of cake (didn't care), watched his cousins and friends play (totally loved it), and his first attempts at present opening (not into it).  We were so touched that our friends and family made time during this busy time of year to come visit and play.

We took advantage of Everett's aunt, the photographer, and booked a cake smash photo shoot.  In order to get Evie to interact with the cake, we had to put strawberries on it.  Don't believe everything you see, that baby was tricked!  We were prepared for a big mess, but that just wasn't his style that day.

Sandra Joanne Photography

On Evie's actual birthday, we had plans to go hiking but the weather did not allow it.  Northern California got some much needed rain leading up to, during, and after Everett turned one.  Good for the parks we love, but not good for getting out of the house that day.  Instead, we spent time as a family, gave Everett his gifts from us, and relaxed.

Hanging out with the birthday boy, 1/7/2017

The big party was the day after Evie's birthday, and it was better than we ever expected.  Despite the rainy weather, lots of our local friends made the trip over.  Everett got to play with LOTS of little kids including babies, toddlers, and a few bigger kids.  He didn't get too overwhelmed until the very end, and luckily stranger danger isn't a huge problem for us.

Party time - 1/8/2017

It was an awesome day, filled with amazing and supportive people.  We're so glad we bit the bullet to have a birthday party that Evie won't remember, but there will be pictures of and we can tell him all about it on future birthdays.  Plus, we found out that he greatly prefers chocolate cake (takes after Mommy).

More first birthday party fun - 1/8/2017

Now, on the other side of 1-year-old, things feel a bit different.  Easier, maybe.  We catch ourselves using the word "baby," knowing we can't use it much longer.  Evie is growing up, just as we hope for our children.  We are so excited seeing him learn and figuring things out.

The past year seems both short and long.  It seems like a lifetime ago that Elizabeth was pregnant, that we were up every 2-3 hours with a newborn.  It seems like a hundred years since we held Oberon, and that stings.  So much has happened.

We'll keep on keeping on, enjoying the time we get with Evie and trying to limit frustration, keeping it in perspective.  Evie has started shaking his head, and we know that N-O is just around the corner.  There is so much more excitement than trepidation as we head into toddlerhood.  New challenges will come up, keeping Oberon present will require balance and flexibility, and more smiles and moments will fill our hearts than we could ever imagine.

Our family - January 14, 2017 - photo by Abby Alger Photography

*A note on the title.  Since Everett was born in a leap year, there were 527,040 minutes in his first year.  Not quite as catchy as the non-leap year total.

A White (And Blue) Christmas

It took a few days, but we're finally back in California and fairly decompressed.  The travel to Chicago and Michigan was largely amazing (beautiful snow!), but exhausting all the same.

We had the opportunity to spend time with loved ones who we rarely see in person, and that is always good for our souls.  This year in addition to the usual suspects, we visited with rainbow babies, PAL mamas, and loss families.  Seeing these people interact with Everett is very special.  Talking with these same people about Oberon is also extremely comforting.  We saw it somewhere in reference to the loss community - "You meet the best people for the worst reason."  We certainly feel that way.

Like seemingly everything these days, the whole month of December was bittersweet, including our holidays.  Watching Everett play with his cousins and friends was heartwarming, followed by stinging tears from seeing yet another experience Oberon never had.  Finding the balance is a daily struggle, but we did our best.

Meeting Santa for the second time (Henry Ford Museum) - December 21, 2016

Rocking his new Woody hat from Grandma & Grandpa F - December 23, 2016

This was our first quasi-normal Christmas since 2013.  In 2014, Oberon was here.  Our families visited on and around Christmas, but it certainly wasn't traditional and we did not see extended family in person (but we did see them on screen).  Last year, Elizabeth was 8.5 months pregnant, so there was no flying.  Again we did video-chatting and mailing gifts, but there were no meals or hours-long visits.

Things have changed since 2013.  Chris's parents are no longer in Michigan during the holidays.  Chris's grandfather and Elizabeth's grandmother passed away.  There are new babies, new houses, and new spouses.

We agree that the holiday traditions were easier on us than we feared, but we also agree that having the "year off" in 2015 was beneficial to us.  We missed Oberon fiercely this year, but we had Everett to focus on.  We watched Evie play, had to make sure he was fed and comfortable, all those little (and large) parenting duties.  The thought of being in those rooms, in those groups, doing the holiday things without a little beastie of our own underfoot...it's intensely dark.  We had the excuses of being far away and unable to travel, but even if those weren't true we may not have participated in the holidays last year - at least not in the normal way.

Everyone is different, and finds different things healing vs. triggering, helpful vs. hurtful.  For us, sitting with loved ones watching them parent, watching their children run amok while we had empty arms would've been more bad than good.  We know that now.  It's a common theme in grief support groups to tell each other to take care of your heart, and if opting out is what you need - do it.  It's easy to say, but harder to do.  There are so many expectations around the holidays.  From people to visit and parties to attend to which moods are acceptable and what topics are allowed.  While it is wonderful when families can get together and celebrate in love, it is also important to acknowledge when those we love need something else.  Maybe it's a walk to get away for a minute, maybe it's not to attend at all.  

The holiday downsides weren't all grief-related.  Everyone got sick in one form or another, and Everett legit vomited for the first time.  Spit up, this was not.  Beet juice everywhere and chunks of food, this was.  Chris, Elizabeth, and Grandma F got varying degrees of disgusting and Evie got a couple of sink baths.  He was a trooper and after long naps seemed good as new.  We will, however, be cautious with beets going forward.

Christmas morning, 2016 - pre-beet explosion.

Because of all the sickness, we didn't let Evie play in the snow like we had planned.  It sure was beautiful, but not worth making any lingering illness worse.  Everett did get some time in the cold nippy air in beautiful Ann Arbor earlier in the week (you may recall, this was a promise), so that will have to suffice for now.

Don't worry guys, he didn't step on the M.  December 21, 2016

After traveling back home to California, we are catching up on some rest and trying to shake the last coughs and sniffles.  We made it through the anniversary of Obie's death (it sucked).  And we started a tradition for our little family - presents on New Year's Eve.  Since we will most likely be traveling for Christmas most years, it makes sense for us to have our gift exchange after we get back and are simply enjoying time together as a family.  Bonus, Everett finally seems to be getting the hang of opening gifts!

Opening New Year's Eve gifts, 2016

And now, we prepare to go back to daily life.  Embark on a new year.  Who knows what's in store?  Probably a mix of good things and bad, probably surprisingly wonderful parenting moments and unexpected triggers.  We know we can't control everything, but we're hoping for more good than bad.

That Time Of The Year

Here we are, in the thick of it.

Oberon's second birthday was spent much like his first.  We asked people to think of him and share with us.   We donated to the Pollinator Partnership and FNIH.  We went to Uvas Canyon and hiked all the trails we did when we scattered his ashes there.

Hiking at Uvas Canyon - 11/24/16

We also decided to donate to Uvas Canyon and provide a bench with a memorial plaque for Obie.  The bench is at Manzanita Point, a spot on the Alec Canyon Trail with a beautiful view of the valley below and one of the places with Obie's ashes.  We all spent some time on the bench, thinking about Oberon, enjoying the view, and letting Evie get out of the carrier for a bit.

Enjoying Oberon's bench at Uvas Canyon - 11/24/16

It was surreal.  While we have been back to Uvas Canyon a number of times, there were certain trails we hadn't retraced.  We hadn't been to the Old Logging Camp or Knobcone Point since that first visit.  Going back was heavy, but ultimately it was good for us.  Both physically (inclines!) and emotionally.

At Knobcone point - 11/24/16

Many friends, family, and acquaintances sent us messages or posts with #obiesbeeday.  Each one brought us a little bit of warmth, a little bit of comfort.  Truthfully, there were fewer messages than last year.  While not unexpected, it still hurts.  Most kids meet more new people and impact more lives with each passing year.  Oberon won't be able to do that, and it's likely that each year fewer people will be able to keep him close to the forefront.  It's understandable, but it's still painful.

Obie's Bee Day fell on Thanksgiving this year.  We didn't celebrate traditional Thanksgiving, but Chris did make a Bee Day cake.  Everett's first taste of cake was his brother's lemon bundt cake (he was not a huge fan).

Obie's Bee Day cake - 11/24/16

Chris also found an Oberon watch to buy on Obie's Bee Day, which seemed kind of perfect.

Obie's Bee Day watch - purchased 11/24/16

Obie's Bee Day triggers the "on this day" onslaught on Facebook.  The few posts from before we knew how bad things were, announcing coming home to hospice care, the NILMDTS pictures, visitors...day after day being reminded of Oberon's short life.

After Obie's Bee Day, the next big milestone is Obie Xmas.  We celebrated again this year by giving gifts to our families to help take care of themselves.  Elizabeth had planned to have things for our family in Obie's stocking to open on Obie Xmas, but most of it didn't arrive until the day after.  It was disappointing.  Evie is still too young to realize, but it still feels like coming up short as parents.  We're pretty good at letting things slide and being gentle with ourselves in general, but the Obie-focused days are harder. We have so few things to hold onto, it feels like if we relax our hold it will slip away completely.  If we don't make it happen, if we let things slide, why even bother?

Even though some Obie Xmas gifts were late, we did have things to open from Obie's grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.  Evie had fun learning to open presents (his first occasion for such things), and we all got some odds and ends to keep us fed, clean, and warm.  Chris and Elizabeth talked a bit about their memories of bringing Obie home, using his nursery, and listening to the rain.

It's good to remember, and also exhausting.  It truly is like carrying a load.  Sometimes you can be distracted and it doesn't feel quite as heavy.  Other times you focus on it and aren't sure how you can continue to bear it.

The focus is on now, and we're also trying to balance planning Everett's first holiday season, travel, and our first snowy weather since 2013.  While we are excited to be going home for the holidays, we are also a bit anxious.  It's hard to predict how we'll feel or what triggers may pop up.  Will we emotionally "check out" to keep ourselves sane?  Will we be sobbing messes?  Will we need a lot of down time?  Will we feel pretty OK until guilt comes in?  Will we make Evie's first holiday experiences magical?  Will we get sick?  Will there be weather issues?  There's no way to know.

We do know:

• There's a lot of pressure.  And there will definitely be at least one thing that doesn't go as planned.
• We will get to spend time with people we love, and who love us and our boys.
• Everett will see snow for the first time.
• Travel is going to be stressful.

From there, we will be trying our best to focus on the good moments when they come and breathe through the tough moments.  

Fun in the Sun(shine State)

Everett added another state to his list - Florida!

 Sanibel Island - 11/5/16

As Evie gets older, the strategies when flying with him change.  He's still a champion flyer, but more than 5 hours is starting to ask a little too much.  We booked a non-stop flight from San Francisco to Ft. Lauderdale, hoping for the best.  He did amazing, slept a lot and was quiet (but happy) when awake.  The captains announced we would be landing soon, and we both breathed a sigh of relief.

Turns out, the trip wasn't quite over and instead, we were being re-routed to West Palm Beach, where we would be stuck until they re-opened Ft. Lauderdale airport.  In short, a package plane caught fire on the runway (seriously) so no flights were being allowed to land.  You can read more about it here, if you're interested.

What it meant for us was a delay with little to no real information.  The airline we were flying had no gates at West Palm Beach airport, so we were stuck on the plane.  Cue the rabble-rousing as people flipped out about being held hostage.  There were definitely adults on that plane handling the unexpected worse than Evie.  From our perspective, we were just trying to keep him happy and were starting to worry that we didn't pack enough snacks.

Luckily, the airport people did their jobs quickly and the delay only ended up being 2-3 hours in total.  While it put us in much later than expected, we didn't run out of food or diapers on hand (yay!).  And while Evie did start getting cranky and frustrated not being able to move around on his own, we really can't complain.  Snacks, toys that attach to things, nursing, and giving him lots of attention were the keys.  Not letting our frustration and irritation take over was the other major key.

At FLL airport, ready to be done travelling - 10/28/16

The next day, visiting began.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins!  Evie just loved watching his cousins and getting attention from all these new people.  We were a little concerned that "stranger danger" would have reared it's head by this trip; turns out that concern wasn't necessary.  Evie had a blast with his family.  One thing we were a little less prepared for was just how overstimulating the trip would be for Evie.  Once we figured out that we needed to force some down time here and there, his fussiness improved.

Visiting with cousins - 10/29/16

Thoma Family - 10/30/16

Playing with Grandma and Grandpa - 11/4/16

We talked about bringing Obie's Molly Bear for the trip, but again we settled on his yellow "O."  It comforts our hearts to see him included, but on the flip side it hurts when we forget to pull it out.  While we got lots of lovely photos of the kids with the "O," we did forget to bring it trick-or-treating.  This always brings guilt, maybe more than it should.

Speaking of trick-or-treating, it was a wonderful experience to be able to do that.  If we were home in California, there's no way we would have done it.  We wouldn't have even had a real excuse to dress up at all.  Everett's first Halloween would have been just a cute animal onesie and a photo op.  Instead, he got the real deal!  A full-out family costume and going door-to-door.

Pumpkin patch - 10/30/16

Pretty proud of how this turned out - Elliott, E.T., and the moon! - 10/31/2016

Evie had a lot of firsts on this trip - first Florida visit, first crazy air travel story, first Halloween, first trip to the beach, first cheese, and first Michigan-Michigan State game (he wore San Jose State gear, in case you were wondering, Go Blue and Yellow Spartans!).

Quick pre-game family selfie - 10/29/16

Another special first was meeting up with another rainbow family.  Evie loved hanging out with baby Louie, and we loved hanging out with Louie's parents.  Louie and Everett are less than two weeks apart, and their older siblings Piper and Oberon were born less than a week apart.  Although none of us had met in person before, we all had an enjoyable day.  There's something different about being with people who "get" baby loss, and we really appreciated the chance to meet Louie and his family in real life.

Flamingo Gardens with friends - 11/2/16 

#EvieAndLouieAdventures - 11/2/16

He must have really been paying attention to his cousins and friends, because the week in Florida and the days after included a huge increase in mobility.  He's an expert at the inchworm scoot and is pulling up to standing on anything he can.

This guy can scoot - 11/12/16

He's clearly starting the transition from baby to toddler, and it's wonderful to see.  A lot of parents express wishing their children would stay younger longer or asking "where did my baby go?"  We will do our best never to say those kinds of things.  We know what it's like to have a baby not grow up.  While we will reminisce about younger Everett, we will never ask him to slow down.  He will grow and change, our relationship will grow and change.  There will be challenges, and some day he'll tell us he hates us or some other hurtful thing.  And in the back of our heads we will be so happy that he's able to do that.

Finding Our Way Through Fall

Fall in California is not like fall in Michigan.  There isn't a sweeping color change or temperature drop, and while pumpkin spice everything is here - cider mills aren't.

It's still hot here.

We both have memories of jumping in a pile of raked leaves, sipping warm cider (while nibbling dense donuts), and going to college football games.  Those aren't the things we get to introduce Everett to this fall, so we've turned to hiking (still), blanket forts to avoid excess screen time (while Mom and Dad watch football), and more and more new foods.

Yes, this is a thing we do.

In some ways, September was the last month before the end-of-year gauntlet begins.  While that's true for most families, we mean it in a significantly different way.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  November is Oberon's birthday.  December is Obie Xmas and the anniversary of his death.  Last year was our first run through these special dates and anniversaries, and we aren't quite sure what to expect this year.

In addition to the dates and moments that revolve around Oberon, we have had and will have quite a few visits and special events this season that are focused on others - weddings, visits, and Elizabeth's first trip away from Everett.

All dressed up for the wedding of Hattie & Wayne.  10/7/16

While Chris has had a handful of business trips that took him away from Evie overnight, this was the first time Elizabeth was the one away.  It wasn't as intensely worrying as she feared, but that likely had a lot to do with the very busy trip.  Two flights, six pumping sessions, 8+ hours of dance team alumni events, and breakfast with the nephews kept time moving quickly.  That schedule combined with getting photo messages and a video chat kept everybody a bit calmer.  Evie is getting to the point where he very clearly recognizes people, and recognizing Mommy over video chat was a pretty cool moment.

Everett supporting Mommy all the way from California.  Homecoming - 10/22/16

It feels a bit like the calm before the storm.  Part of us wants to just opt out and wake up in January - it would certainly be less tumultuous.  But the other part has some things to look forward to - things like Everett meeting new friends and spending time with family, and honoring Oberon on his birthday and other important times.

At the same time, we are trying to remind ourselves (and each other) to be gentle.  We may not be able to make all our planned ideas come to be.  We may not have the energy to devote to Oberon's memory that we'd like.  We may not be as excited about Everett's firsts as we hoped.  We may cry a lot or a little, and we should try not to feel guilty either way.  But we probably will.

Everett with the University of Minnesota Quidditch Team

Baby Got Books

We love books.  Books were an important part of our time with Oberon, they are an important way we remember him, and they are a staple of our interaction with Everett.

Reading 'The Sleep Book' to Oberon in the NICU.

Reading 'Snuggle Puppy' to Oberon at home.

Reading Seuss with Everett.

The books people gave to us when Elizabeth was pregnant with Oberon - especially those with inscriptions - are very special.  We tell Evie that these are his big brother's books and we talk about who gave them.

More than just sentimental, books are awesome.  They are a staple of our bedtime ritual - Everett gets to play with an interactive book (or two, or three), followed by Mommy or Daddy reading while the other snuggles him.

We thought we'd share some of our favorites in various categories, because googling "kids books" can get overwhelming very quickly.

Classics for a reason

• Seuss - in general: They are fun to read, fun to listen to, and the illustrations are exciting.  We haven't met a Seuss we don't like, but our favorite is certainly The Sleep Book.  We read it many times to Oberon in the NICU and at home, and we often read it to Everett.  It's a little bit magic because 99 times out of 100, Everett is asleep by the end of it!  We've read it so much that we can nearly recite the 64 pages by memory.
• The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear: The title says it all.  Elizabeth remembers loving this book as a kid, and it's been fun to read over and over again.

New and fabulous

• The Pout-Pout Fish: A rhyming board book that's fun to read out loud with a little twist of an ending.  We may need to talk about consent, but other than that it's just about perfect.
• Baby Lit: These board books are fun ways to introduce classic stories, characters, and themes to young children.  We've all seen primers on colors, animals, and shapes, but how about fashion with Anna Karenina?  Or weather with Wuthering Heights?  And our favorite, fairies with Midsummer Nights Dream.
• Little Pea, Little Hoot, and Little Oink: These darling stories all have a little twist - such as a little owl that doesn't want to stay up late and just wants to go to bed.  They all end a little punny as well.
• The Amazing Adventures of Bumblebee Boy: A tangent from the Ladybug Girl series, the imaginative Sam plays Bumblebee Boy and doesn't want to include his little brother, until he realizes how fun it can be to play together.  We got this because, bees, obviously, but were pleasantly surprised with how much we liked the book.  We've even gotten Ladybug Girl books as gifts for others.
• I Dreamt I Was A Dinosaur: This book has a special place in our hearts as Grandpa F read it frequently to Oberon in the NICU and at home.  After Everett was born, we noticed it even has dragonflies in the illustrations!  A perfect book for both our boys.  
• The Monster At The End Of This Book: Grover worries about the monster at the end of the book, but he shouldn't because not all monsters are scary.  This one is fun because Grover talks directly to the reader.

 Grandpa F reads 'I Dreamt I Was A Dinosaur' to Obie.

Grandpa F reads 'The Monster At The End Of This Book' to Evie.

Fun(ny) for the whole family

• The Book With No Pictures: Probably our favorite book to read aloud, and definitely our favorite book to listen to others read.  Written by B. J. Novak of The Office fame, this silly book makes grown-ups say silly things, and that's all we'll say.  
• We Are In A Book!: Especially fun with two readers, this is meta-children's lit.  The characters in the book realize they are...in a book.  And with that realization comes the understanding that they can make the reader say word.  Giggles ensue.

Inclusion

• Square Zair Pair: We found this book at Silicon Valley Pride, and it's delightful.  The zairs are a breed that pairs up - always one round and one square until one day two squares pair.  What happens?  We think you have a good idea.  
• It seems we are a bit low in this category.  We have a couple others that have wonderfully inclusive and diverse illustrations, but they don't address the topic directly.  Looks like we have some book scavenging to do!

Personalized

• The Little Boy / Girl Who Lost His / Her Name: These books started being advertised on Facebook shortly after Oberon died.  We bought one for him immediately, and are so glad we have it.  It's a beautifully illustrated story, and it has his name.  
• The Incredible Intergalactic Journey Home: By the same company as the Lost My Name book, this one we had made for Everett.  Everett and his robot buddy, Hubble, get lost in space when their navigational system is broken.  The personalization doesn't stop at the lead character's name and gender, but also includes a Google Earth visual of your home!

Loss, grief, and tough topics

• Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories: We have the first Chester Raccoon book, The Kissing Hand, and when we found this one we ordered it in case it was good.  It is very good.  A schoolmate of Chester's has died, and his mother helps him process his grief.  
• The Rhino Who Swallowed a Storm: This was one of Elizabeth's backer gifts for the Reading Rainbow kickstarter that blew up a couple years ago.  What a wonderful book.  It acknowledges big tragedies occur and shows that there are people to help support us.  
• A Rainbow Baby Story: The Rainbow After the Storm: It is hard to find books that refer to the death of a baby without turning that baby into an angel in heaven.  This one does a pretty good job.  It tells the story of a baby bird who gets scared during a storm, and his parents return to the nest to keep him safe.  They tell him about the baby they had before and how that baby died, but will always be part of their family.
• Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children: This book may look dated, but it isn't.  It describes in matter of fact terms that all living things are born and then die, and the time in between is their lifetime.  Some lifetimes are short, and some are long.
• My Father's Arms are a Boat: This one is different.  A Norwegian book, it's not like most children's books we've seen.  A boy whose mother has recently died is comforted by his father's arms.  There is no neat tie up, no perfect resolution.  It resonates, because it accurately represents grief.

Bugs and beasties

• UnBEElievables: Grandma and Grandpa T sent us this collection of poems, which are fun to read AND informative.  
• Are You A Bee? / Are You A Dragonfly?: These books talk about bugs from when they are born until they are grown into adults, and also things to watch out for (like a duck!).  At the end though, the book assumes that it's probably a human child reading, and not a bug.  This is an accessible way to start teaching young kids about different bugs.
• Beecause I Love You: This book has antennae!  And besides that is very sweet.  
• A Tale of Two Beasts: We love this book because it's about a beast, but also because it gracefully shows perspective.  It opens with a young girl "rescuing" a little beast from the woods and taking care of it.  Unsurprisingly, the little beast doesn't see things in quite the same way.
• We enjoy finding Obie's Bees (and Evie's Dragonflies) in our storybooks.  Some hidden bees can be found in Can You Growl Like A Bear?, The Biggest Kiss, and Hop on Pop, to name just a few.

Then there are cloth books, touchy feely books, finger puppet books, noisy books, and counting books, which we're not even going to get into here.  So many books, so little time!

Evie with the best touchy-feely book!