Siblings Living And Not

Everett and Imogen are at a ridiculously adorable stage. There's no over-selling it, they are the cutest. It seems every day they start doing something else to relate to each other. It's heart-melting and often hilarious too.

Rough and Tough Construction Play - Feb 2019

A few of the frequent activities at our house these days:

• Everett asking Imogen for a hug
• Imogen giving out hugs to everyone upon request
• Both of them checking on each other when they cry (sometimes at our request, sometimes not)
• Tackling and giggling
• Having conversations with each other
• Imogen getting out or putting away Everett's shoes for him
• Everett decreeing what Imogen wants (Immy wants to walk!)
• Mimicking
• Imogen wanting to play with whatever Everett is into
• Everett often doing a good job sharing
• Imogen trying to do Everett's chores
• Everett then insisting that she should get chore stickers too

Sometimes we feel like we're writing the same things over and over. Everett is becoming a little kid and comprehending at a much higher level, Imogen is learning tons of new things every day, and it feels wrong that Oberon isn't here.

When Oberon was at home in hospice care, we sometimes talked about the future. Through the tears we talked about how he was making us better parents, and that we were going to give him siblings. Now that our living children interact so much, it's hitting us hard that we've kept that promise. At least the siblings part.

We have no idea how our living children will relate to the one who died as they continue to grow up. Surely there will be times when they are frustrated and feel overshadowed, other times they will be sad and feeling that life isn't fair, and probably they will have phases of aloofness and irritation (if not worse).

Reading that paragraph, it could almost exactly apply to Everett and Imogen's relationship with each other. They will also go through a variety of sibling phases - frustration, feeling overshadowed, sadness, aloofness, irritation (if not worse). Our hope for them is the good phases outpace the bad, and they have a bond that continues throughout adulthood. Our hope for their relationship with Oberon is similar - that the good associations outpace the bad and that they develop an understanding of the preciousness of life and the endurance of family.

For now, we're loving every adorable moment between these two amazing kids, and missing every moment they won't get to share with their big brother, Oberon.

 Evie feeding Immy - Feb 2019

 "Immy, can I sit with you while Daddy cleans up the mess?" - Feb 2019

Let's have a race! - Feb 2019

Blurry Sibling Hug - Feb 2019 

 Going out for a walk - Feb 2019

Daycare Hugs - Feb 2019 

Happy Breakfast - Feb 2019

Evie found a great hiding spot - Feb 2019 

Evie found a better hiding spot - Feb 2019

Hello, 2019

It's taken awhile, but it feels like 2019 is finally in gear.

Riding in style - January 7, 2019

We had a protracted holiday season, and with that the typical pros and cons. We didn't have to have everything done by mid-December, but we were still sorting out holiday gifts in mid-January. Not to mention, someone in our house turned three!

 Party time - January 12, 2019

Actual birthday boy, with requested "red cake" - January 7, 2019

Oh yeah, and we had visitors. Grandma Fiorani was here for Everett's birthday, and the Thoma side came in force for his birthday party. Honestly, we're surprised how well Evie adjusted to the lack of presents after the non-stop Obie Xmas, Deel / Fiorani Christmas Eve, Santa / Family New Year's Eve, Evie's Birthday, Belated Thoma Christmas, Evie's Birthday Party.

So. Many. Presents.

The extended celebrating and visitors made going back to work a bit odd. It made finding the balance between work and life take a bit longer than the typical January. And now, January is almost through!

We're not really a resolutions family, but we did try to sort out some goals for this year. And we all know you're more likely to follow through if you say your goals out loud, write them down, and share them with others. Keeps us accountable. So here goes...

• Remove the ugly bushes from our front yard and replace with a tree
• Research preschool for Everett
• Take more family pictures
• Go on a family vacation
• Add one health or sustainability focused diet rule (already doing Meatless Mondays)
• Schedule more play dates
• Host a summer party
• Keep up with the Beastie Blog

It's daunting looking at it all at once. But, we have a year. OK, more like eleven months. We can do it. We've already been to one preschool open house, and hey - this is a Beastie Blog post! Time to go schedule a play date...

Before the chaos... there were 30 children at our house - January 12, 2019

We'll Take A Cup Of Kindness Yet

As we sit here while 2018 starts to disappear, it's natural to reflect on time gone by. From the mad dash last couple weeks to the past twelve months.

In 2018 we had two living children from start to finish. We went to Disneyland twice, Michigan twice, Tahoe, and SoCal. Chris and Elizabeth both had cross-country business trips (Chris even had one international). We spent the full year (for the first time) in our house. In fact, Everett was only slightly older than Imogen is now when we moved into this house. For whatever reason, that just blows our minds.

Family Photos at History Park - San Jose, CA - December 8, 2018 - Abby Alger Photography

We spent the holidays in Michigan this year. It was a longer trip than usual - a full 10 days! We saw lots of people we love, and missed some as well. The holidays are such a tricky time for us, and this year was no different.

For the most part, we compartmentalized and tried to focus on the present. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. Oberon's absence is felt keenly.

As each year goes by, we find ourselves with fewer complete breakdowns. But those moments that catch the breath, that make the heart drop... they keep happening. Catching a glimpse of a photograph of Oberon. Noticing one of Obie's bees. A sibling, a cousin, a friend says his name...or consciously avoids saying his name.

Visiting Santa at Christmas in the Park - San Jose, CA - December 17, 2018

Our capacity reduces too. Keeping up the reasonably happy baseline takes a lot of effort, and we feel it. While we appreciate every message large or small thinking of our boy, we simply don't have the emotional capacity to respond sometimes. There is some guilt that comes too, and that doesn't make it easier to hold our end of a conversation (or frankly, relationship).

This time of year, we take more than we can give. It feels wrong to admit, and our inner Midwestern selves tell us to just suck it up and be nicer, but there it is. If you have kindness right now, we'll take it.

How Has It Been Four Years?

Four. Oberon would have been four this year. Longer than high school, longer than a bachelor's degree, exactly the amount of time we dated when we got engaged. Somehow that seems both exactly right and totally out of step.

This weird relationship with time continues.

November has been a weird month for our family. We've had some health scares (we're fine), ER visits (promise, we're fine), infectious diseases that kept the kids out of day care (they are fine), air quality so bad we had to stay inside, work travel, and then Thanksgiving weekend, which included Oberon's birthday. This resulted in Elizabeth barely going to the office for the better part of three weeks, and Everett and Imogen being home from day care for nearly two weeks. Our routines were all out of whack leading up to Obie's Bee Day.

Regardless of what's going on with the day-to-day, Oberon's birthday will relentlessly come each year on November 24. This year was no different. We actually took two trips to Uvas Canyon - one on Thanksgiving Day and the other on Obie's Bee Day. On Thanksgiving, we hiked the Waterfall Loop Trail and visited all the off shoots to various markers and waterfalls. Everett walked most of the way himself, and delighted in finding more and more waterfalls. We haven't hiked this section of the trail by itself in a while, and it was very healing to take our time and go to so many of these special places.

  

 

   Hiking the Waterfall Loop Trail - November 22, 2018

On Obie's Bee Day, we hiked the Alec Canyon Trail up to Manzanita Point (where Oberon's memorial bench is) and on to Triple Falls (which we almost never make it to). We talked a lot more about Obie on this particular hike. Everett was amazing and walked all the way to Obie's bench and then some (3/4 of a mile uphill). He voluntarily transitioned to the carrier as we made our way to Triple Falls and was mostly in good spirits the whole time. While we snacked at Obie's bench, we sang Happy Birthday to Obie, only realizing later that this was at pretty much his exact birth time, 10:21 AM.

Enjoying a snack and a rest at Obie's bench - Obie's Bee Day 2018

Elizabeth teared up a few times on the hike, only to have Imogen claw her neck or Everett venture too close to the edge of the trail and require reminding. Balancing the living and the missing.

Hiking all the way to Triple Falls - November 24, 2018

To round out the day, Elizabeth crocheted a bee during naptime and we all made birthday cake and frosting. We read a special new "birthday book" about how hugs can help us feel better. Earlier in the week, we had made sure to read some of our baby loss and Obie-focused books. Not all of them, and not all at once, but more than usual.

Obie's Birthday Cake 2018

Bedtime came, and it seemed like we were going to make it through the day reasonably well. As Elizabeth snuggled with Everett, they talked about the day. Elizabeth thanked Everett for doing such a great job hiking to Obie's bench and for singing Happy Birthday. Evie started tearing up and whining.

Everett: I'm so sad!
Elizabeth: Oh, honey, why are you sad?
Everett: The only thing that will make me feel better is for Obie to stay with us.

Heart. Drop.

After reassurance and cuddling, and acknowledging that it is sad that Obie isn't with us, and we are all sad about that, he seemed to calm down. And then...

Everett: Mommy, in a few days I'm going to die.
Elizabeth: Why would you say that? Is it because Obie died?
Everett: Yes.
Elizabeth: Darling, Obie was very sick. He was sick when he was born. But you are not sick. We checked you out very carefully and you are not sick like Obie was.

This was followed with more reassurance, but with subtle caveats that only loss parents truly understand. At this point, we called Chris in too and had some extra snuggle time. Finding the balance of toddler boundaries and routine with supporting Everett when he needs it was a bit tricky, but we tried to find the right place.

Of course there was falling apart after the fact. And discussions spanning the days since then. Are we doing the right thing being so open with Everett at this young age? Should we try to hide some of the more intense emotions? Ultimately, we think our approach is the one that works best for our family (open, honest, frank discussion). But that does not stop the self-doubt and guilt. Everett and Imogen should have sheltered, carefree, tragedy-free childhoods. That is what we would have wished for them, but it isn't our family.

As horrible and as tragic as it all is, we would never want Everett or Imogen to think that if they died, it wouldn't impact us in a huge way. Oberon's death impacted our family so much because we love him so much and he remains a part of us. The message we would send if he was hidden away seems worse. Admitting the pain validates the love and importance of all our children.

Hiking at Uvas Canyon - November 22 and 24, 2018

We made pie too - Day After Thanksgiving Apple Pie - November 23, 2018

Imogen is ONE!

She's one! And she took her first steps today!

Happy Birthday, Imogen! (Party day - 10/27/2018)

It feels unbelievable, but the next moment it feels like it has been so many more than twelve months. Her personality is shining through an often-crinkled nose, she's shakily steadily standing on two feet unassisted, she loves music, she loves dancing to music, and she'll eat almost anything. That's our girl.

Prepping for her birthday party was fun, but also stressful. Elizabeth had a late-planned work trip that took her away the three days prior (eek!) and Chris was supporting an audit at work, so we had to really plan ahead. Thankfully, Grandma and Grandpa Fiorani came to visit and they could help us divide and conquer the to-do list!

Grandpa and Grandma Fiorani with Immy at her party - 10/27/2018

October has been an all-over-the-place kind of month. It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, both Elizabeth and Chris had work travel, Elizabeth's dance studio had a show, Imogen turned one, dear friends moved far away, Halloween shenanigans, and - oh yeah - we went to Disneyland.

Disney California Adventure - 10/8/2018

In a lot of ways, we're just doing our best to ride the waves right now. There is SO MUCH right in front of us, and we are trying to enjoy that.

A House Divided - 10/19/2018

In that spirit - what's been going on with our kids this month?

Imogen

The birthday girl charms everyone with her crinkly smile, giggles, and two bottom teeth. She is such a bright light, and honestly such an easy baby. Although we probably should start using tot or toddler?

Immy at her first birthday party - 10/27/2018

Her birthday party, "There's No Age Like One," was Wizard of Oz themed. We had a lot of fun with a yellow brick road (spray paint chalk), the Emerald City, Munchkin Land, family costumes, themed treats, and a hot air balloon photo both set-up; we are pretty excited how everything turned out. She had fun too.

Family costumes on party day - 10/27/2018

Party set up - 10/27/2018

Everett

In the past few months, Everett's cognition has really developed. He has more independent thoughts and follows lines of reasoning much better than before. We are doing our best to support his creativity and independence, even when it tests our patience (or makes a mess).

Everett dressed up as a "robot" for a Halloween party - 10/21/2018

He is starting to get braver singing along to songs like "Ride" by ZZ Ward and "Life Is A Highway" performed by the Rascal Flatts (thought, he just informed Chris that needs to be removed from the playlist because he doesn't like it anymore).  If you recognize those as songs from the movie "Cars" - three, cheers for you.  Tonight, we overheard him singing the complete rendition of Baby Shark while drifting off to sleep in his bedroom.

Everett with Dracula Mater - 10/8/2018

Evie had a BLAST at Disneyland, and we are so happy we took him again (bonus points for taking him one last time before he needs his own ticket). We'd never been at Halloweentime, and it was quite fun (only a little spooky).

Oberon

Of course, our boy is missing. He is ever present in our hearts, and Elizabeth has been more vocal about him, his loss, and our grief this month. For the fourth time, she participated in the Capture Your Grief photo sharing event (@obiemama1124 on Instagram).

Lighting candles on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day for the Wave of Light - 10/15/2018

This project is always complicated. Do we delve back into the rawness of grief? Do we opt out because it makes that day easier? As usual, there are no right answers, just what feels more right in that moment.

Being quiet hasn't felt right yet.