Baby Got Books

We love books.  Books were an important part of our time with Oberon, they are an important way we remember him, and they are a staple of our interaction with Everett.

Reading 'The Sleep Book' to Oberon in the NICU.

Reading 'Snuggle Puppy' to Oberon at home.

Reading Seuss with Everett.

The books people gave to us when Elizabeth was pregnant with Oberon - especially those with inscriptions - are very special.  We tell Evie that these are his big brother's books and we talk about who gave them.

More than just sentimental, books are awesome.  They are a staple of our bedtime ritual - Everett gets to play with an interactive book (or two, or three), followed by Mommy or Daddy reading while the other snuggles him.

We thought we'd share some of our favorites in various categories, because googling "kids books" can get overwhelming very quickly.

Classics for a reason

• Seuss - in general: They are fun to read, fun to listen to, and the illustrations are exciting.  We haven't met a Seuss we don't like, but our favorite is certainly The Sleep Book.  We read it many times to Oberon in the NICU and at home, and we often read it to Everett.  It's a little bit magic because 99 times out of 100, Everett is asleep by the end of it!  We've read it so much that we can nearly recite the 64 pages by memory.
• The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear: The title says it all.  Elizabeth remembers loving this book as a kid, and it's been fun to read over and over again.

New and fabulous

• The Pout-Pout Fish: A rhyming board book that's fun to read out loud with a little twist of an ending.  We may need to talk about consent, but other than that it's just about perfect.
• Baby Lit: These board books are fun ways to introduce classic stories, characters, and themes to young children.  We've all seen primers on colors, animals, and shapes, but how about fashion with Anna Karenina?  Or weather with Wuthering Heights?  And our favorite, fairies with Midsummer Nights Dream.
• Little Pea, Little Hoot, and Little Oink: These darling stories all have a little twist - such as a little owl that doesn't want to stay up late and just wants to go to bed.  They all end a little punny as well.
• The Amazing Adventures of Bumblebee Boy: A tangent from the Ladybug Girl series, the imaginative Sam plays Bumblebee Boy and doesn't want to include his little brother, until he realizes how fun it can be to play together.  We got this because, bees, obviously, but were pleasantly surprised with how much we liked the book.  We've even gotten Ladybug Girl books as gifts for others.
• I Dreamt I Was A Dinosaur: This book has a special place in our hearts as Grandpa F read it frequently to Oberon in the NICU and at home.  After Everett was born, we noticed it even has dragonflies in the illustrations!  A perfect book for both our boys.  
• The Monster At The End Of This Book: Grover worries about the monster at the end of the book, but he shouldn't because not all monsters are scary.  This one is fun because Grover talks directly to the reader.

 Grandpa F reads 'I Dreamt I Was A Dinosaur' to Obie.

Grandpa F reads 'The Monster At The End Of This Book' to Evie.

Fun(ny) for the whole family

• The Book With No Pictures: Probably our favorite book to read aloud, and definitely our favorite book to listen to others read.  Written by B. J. Novak of The Office fame, this silly book makes grown-ups say silly things, and that's all we'll say.  
• We Are In A Book!: Especially fun with two readers, this is meta-children's lit.  The characters in the book realize they are...in a book.  And with that realization comes the understanding that they can make the reader say word.  Giggles ensue.

Inclusion

• Square Zair Pair: We found this book at Silicon Valley Pride, and it's delightful.  The zairs are a breed that pairs up - always one round and one square until one day two squares pair.  What happens?  We think you have a good idea.  
• It seems we are a bit low in this category.  We have a couple others that have wonderfully inclusive and diverse illustrations, but they don't address the topic directly.  Looks like we have some book scavenging to do!

Personalized

• The Little Boy / Girl Who Lost His / Her Name: These books started being advertised on Facebook shortly after Oberon died.  We bought one for him immediately, and are so glad we have it.  It's a beautifully illustrated story, and it has his name.  
• The Incredible Intergalactic Journey Home: By the same company as the Lost My Name book, this one we had made for Everett.  Everett and his robot buddy, Hubble, get lost in space when their navigational system is broken.  The personalization doesn't stop at the lead character's name and gender, but also includes a Google Earth visual of your home!

Loss, grief, and tough topics

• Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories: We have the first Chester Raccoon book, The Kissing Hand, and when we found this one we ordered it in case it was good.  It is very good.  A schoolmate of Chester's has died, and his mother helps him process his grief.  
• The Rhino Who Swallowed a Storm: This was one of Elizabeth's backer gifts for the Reading Rainbow kickstarter that blew up a couple years ago.  What a wonderful book.  It acknowledges big tragedies occur and shows that there are people to help support us.  
• A Rainbow Baby Story: The Rainbow After the Storm: It is hard to find books that refer to the death of a baby without turning that baby into an angel in heaven.  This one does a pretty good job.  It tells the story of a baby bird who gets scared during a storm, and his parents return to the nest to keep him safe.  They tell him about the baby they had before and how that baby died, but will always be part of their family.
• Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children: This book may look dated, but it isn't.  It describes in matter of fact terms that all living things are born and then die, and the time in between is their lifetime.  Some lifetimes are short, and some are long.
• My Father's Arms are a Boat: This one is different.  A Norwegian book, it's not like most children's books we've seen.  A boy whose mother has recently died is comforted by his father's arms.  There is no neat tie up, no perfect resolution.  It resonates, because it accurately represents grief.

Bugs and beasties

• UnBEElievables: Grandma and Grandpa T sent us this collection of poems, which are fun to read AND informative.  
• Are You A Bee? / Are You A Dragonfly?: These books talk about bugs from when they are born until they are grown into adults, and also things to watch out for (like a duck!).  At the end though, the book assumes that it's probably a human child reading, and not a bug.  This is an accessible way to start teaching young kids about different bugs.
• Beecause I Love You: This book has antennae!  And besides that is very sweet.  
• A Tale of Two Beasts: We love this book because it's about a beast, but also because it gracefully shows perspective.  It opens with a young girl "rescuing" a little beast from the woods and taking care of it.  Unsurprisingly, the little beast doesn't see things in quite the same way.
• We enjoy finding Obie's Bees (and Evie's Dragonflies) in our storybooks.  Some hidden bees can be found in Can You Growl Like A Bear?, The Biggest Kiss, and Hop on Pop, to name just a few.

Then there are cloth books, touchy feely books, finger puppet books, noisy books, and counting books, which we're not even going to get into here.  So many books, so little time!

Evie with the best touchy-feely book!

Birthday Month

It's not Everett's birthday yet, and it's not Oberon's, but it is ours.  August is both Christopher and Elizabeth's birthday month.  And this one has been starkly different than the last two.

Two birthdays ago, we were expecting our first baby, but there were already concerning things and we were waiting for test results.  While we both had some anticipation for a fun and celebratory 30th birthday, suddenly those carefree feelings were sucked out of the room.

One birthday ago, we were intensely grieving.  We were expecting our second baby, and were again waiting for test results (these ones precautionary).  Again, celebration was not something that sounded right to us.

Chris got to choose his birthday hike, 8/8/2015.  #obielovesyellow

This year, Everett is here, growing and thriving.  It's so different.  At the same time, celebrating our birthdays still feels pretty silly and unnecessary.  Birthdays also bring up bitterness that Oberon won't get to experience them.

As Evie grows, we realize we have to be more cautious and thoughtful in how we react to things - even things as silly as adult birthdays.  We want him to enjoy birthdays, and we want him to understand that everyone has them (even old people like Mommy and Daddy).

Evie's first birthday candle experience, 8/8/2016

Blowing out the candles, 8/19/2016

So we set our teeth and celebrated.  Everett watched us open presents, we sang "Happy Birthday", and we blew out candles.  Neither of us could remember the last birthday we had candles for, and here we are at 32.  And they weren't just candles, they were Obie's Bees candles.

Everett is getting more interactive and understanding more of his world every day.  This month he mastered sitting up, and also getting from sitting down to tummy or back without being upset about it.  He has conquered early finger foods, and appears to be a lefty.  He's pretty quiet (for a baby), but has started babbling more and more.  

Enjoying some sun with lots of Obie's Bees, 8/20/2016

Everett Meets the Mitten

Everett made it to Michigan, just before he hit the 6-month mark.  Like most things these days, it was a bittersweet trip.  Constant reminders of what we should have experienced with Oberon, nearly constant smiles from our sweet Everett.

Everett's first time in the mitten - June 25, 2016

We got to introduce the little dragonfly to family on both Mom and Dad's side.  Everett attended a wedding, charmed lots of people, and was fascinated by small children.

Meeting lots of family in Michigan

We took him to MSU's campus to see Beaumont Tower, stroll through the Beal Botanical Garden, and meet Sparty for the first time.  (Don't worry Wolverines - Ann Arbor is on the docket for our next Michigan trip.)

Chris, Everett, and Sparty - June 27, 2016

It was special to see our loved ones interacting with our lil' beastie.  It warmed our hearts and for the most part we were able to keep it together emotionally.  But there were moments.  Like at a family wedding where there were rocks hidden with the kids' names on them.  We found Everett's, and kept our eyes open in case there was one for Oberon - not really expecting to find one.  After asking if they could make one for Oberon for us to take later, we found out Obie was already included - they were just afraid another child would take it not realizing.  These moments of remembering and thoughtfulness are extremely special to us.

A couple of days before we left California, we talked about whether to bring Obie's Molly Bear or not.  We landed on it not being a good idea to try to take such a special bear, that always looks weird to TSA, while traveling with an infant.  Once the decision was made to leave the bear at home, Elizabeth decided to steal an idea from many loss moms and bring an "O" with us.  We went to Michaels and ordered more from Amazon.com; we actually bought a lot of Os.

Meeting lots of family on Dad's side - June 26, 2016

And lots of family on Mom's side - July 2, 2016

The family pictures are changing as the years go by.  Children are born, people get married, and others pass away.  It makes us very sad that Oberon didn't get to be in a big extended family picture when he was alive.  Maybe that's why it's so important to us to include him somehow visually.

We've been back in California for a few weeks, and the trip already feels ages away.  Everett has already changed so much - he's now a pro at eating from a spoon, holding a toy in each hand, and rolling wherever he wants to go.  And new tricks like sitting up, babbling, and pushing up on his hands and knees are just about here.

Happy 6 Months, Everett - July 7, 2016

Mommy's payback plan for not going to Ann Arbor...this time

Living with Guilt

We've been feeling some guilt.

Going to take a wild guess and posit that every parent feels guilty at one time or another.  

The guilt we're talking about is probably a little bit different.  When a day goes by that we don't talk about Oberon, there is guilt.  When we pull back from coverage of tragedies because our hearts can't take it, there is guilt.  When we aren't doing everything we can to raise money and awareness for Obie's favorite charities, there is guilt.

Everett is growing and changing, and is currently a smile machine.  His giggles melt our hearts and his developments make us proud.  Some days, it probably looks like everything is perfect.  Some days, we don't talk out loud about why it isn't.

Everett - June 7, 2016

Living far away from family exacerbates some of the guilt we feel.  Not everyone got to meet Oberon, and many people haven't yet met Everett as he approaches six months old.  This seems ridiculous, but it's reality when you live thousands of miles from some of the most important people in your life.  Fortunately, we'll be traveling to Michigan later this month and introducing Everett to lots of people who already love him.  Even so, there is guilt with this trip because it wasn't soon enough for Everett to meet Nanny, his great grandma.  Nanny passed away two weeks before our trip, which feels like a cruel coincidence.

Nanny and Elizabeth pregnant with Obie, at his baby shower - October 2014

For Elizabeth, when the guilt comes up she pulls back.  It's hard to engage with your living child when you feel guilty about their sibling.  Thoughts like, "none of this matters", "how can I be happy when my son is dead?", and "I have no control over anything so why bother?" swirl around.  

Try as we might, grief isn't always healthy.  It isn't always able to be channeled into loving, productive ways.  Sometimes, we just feel shitty.  And guilt about guilt is a real thing, especially in a society that values a "stiff upper lip" and "making it work."  Of course we have to make it work, one day, one moment at a time.  But sometimes we just need to express what's really going on in our hearts, even if it isn't beautiful or positive.

Oberon - December 10, 2014

Changing Seasons

A lot has happened in the last month.

Elizabeth is back at work full time, which means Evie started day care.  Mother's Day.  Evie had his first plane flight.  Elizabeth started teaching dance again.  And that's not even getting into developmental milestones.

May 10, 2016

The first big spring thing for us was Mother's Day.  We went hiking at Uvas Canyon, where Obie's ashes are.  We drove up in the late morning, but the park was full.  That hadn't even crossed our minds as a possibility and we were thrown for a loop.  Luckily, we were able to come back in the afternoon and spend some time at this special place.

One of Evie's dragonflies at Uvas Canyon.  May 8, 2016.

At Manzanita Point.  May 8, 2016.

Mother's Day felt weird.  Maybe it will feel different when Everett is old enough to be making school projects and writing his name in cards.  To Elizabeth, right now, it felt more like a reminder of what our family is missing.  Maybe it will always feel that way.

On May 12, Elizabeth returned to work full time and Everett started day care.  To many Americans, this seems like a late return to work.  To most of the world, it seems like way too soon.  Can it be both?  By taking advantage of California's Paid Family Leave and the federal Family & Medical Leave Act, Elizabeth was able to stay home with Everett for 18 weeks.  

While the time home with Everett was important for everyone, it was also stressful.  Not in a negative way, but taking care of an infant requires constant attention.  Often Elizabeth was doing two or three things at once, and only getting any sort of respite if Everett happened to take a nap where she could set him down (not a given on any particular day).  Now that Everett is in day care, she can do one thing at a time.  The first time she sat and ate lunch - and didn't do anything else - since Evie was born was her first day back at work.  It was strange, but also offers an opportunity to recharge.  

We are still learning this new schedule.  Figuring out how to balance household chores with getting Everett settled for bed and dinner for us is a work in progress.  

Leaving Everett with day care is hard, but not as emotionally intense as we expected.  Getting pictures like this on day one certainly helped.

Evie having fun at day care, May 12, 2016.

Living in a different state from everyone in our immediate families means Everett is going to travel by plane.  It was only a matter of time.  Turns out his first flight was from San Francisco to Chicago-O'Hare.  We tried to give ourselves the best chance for success - direct flights, late morning, Economy Plus seating, renting a car seat instead of carrying one, shipping a Pack & Play direct instead of carrying one...but you can't plan for everything!

First flight with a lap child, May 20, 2016.

We sat on the tarmac for nearly two hours waiting for a pilot.  Everett took big ol' nap.  It was awesome, but we were nervous we were using up all our easy time.  Turns out we needn't have worried as Evie was as good as a baby could be.  Minimal crying, lots of napping, and no blow outs.  Multiple strangers told us how good he did.  That one goes in the win column.

Everett was also surprisingly chill with being in a new house, meeting more new people (and a dog), going to restaurants, and the dreaded time change.  Did he sleep that first night?  Not really, but he was in such an adorable giddy mood that it kept us from getting too frustrated.

 Meeting cousins...

and besties...

and hanging with a familiar Aunt, all on May 22, 2016.

Everett is learning new things every day.  Watching him figure things out is amazing - there's nothing quite like it.  He's making sense of the world around him, and that's pretty neat.  He's much more vocal than even a month ago, squealing, cooing, and grunting.  Still working on those consonant sounds, but they'll be coming any day.

He loves his Exersaucer, sitting up (with some assistance), and when he's in the mood for it, rolling over.  He's a strong little guy (even the day care lady says so), which makes sense because his 25th percentile body has been holding up a 95th+ percentile head this whole time.

 You must not hop on pop! May 2016.

All smiles for tummy time, May 2016.

Last year, everything felt stuck.  Seasons seemed ridiculous.  This year, change is constant and the seasons mirror that.  As we head into summer, the weather is getting HOT, Everett is getting more and more of a personality, and we'll embark on parenting challenges such as sleep training, solid foods, and mobility.

Part of our Family Forever

We said it at the beginning.  Oberon may have only lived with us for a short while, but he is part of our family forever.

Chris, Everett, Elizabeth, and Obie Bear - January 15, 2016

Truthfully, with Everett now here and demanding attention as an infant should, it is harder to find the space for Oberon to be the focus.  Instead of having Oberon at the center of everything, we have to juggle.

Sometimes that means late nights after Evie has gone to sleep is the only time we talk to each other about Obie.  Sometimes it means tearful storytelling to Evie about his big brother and how much we miss him.  Other times it's as simple as pointing out Obie's bees.

Obie's Bees at Happy Hollow in San Jose, CA

Giving for Obie is something we want to continue doing, so we bit the bullet and set up monthly donations for Obie's favorite charities (FNIH, NORD, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and JW House - read more about them here).  We still plan to give some larger donations when milestones dates come around, but this way we make sure it doesn't slip through the cracks.

We have a few books that are specific to making sure Everett knows about his big brother, but Elizabeth still finds them too hard to read out loud.  Someday we hope to make a picture book about Oberon like the ones we made for his cousins, but that's been too hard so far as well.

We've officially started taking Everett on family hikes.  Starting with very easy ones, we hope to get up to moderate (and maybe even difficult!) hikes soon.  It's a learning process bringing an infant with us on the trails, keeping him both safe and happy.  We got into hiking because of Oberon, and we'll make sure Evie knows that.  Finding yellow wildflowers and bees on the trail definitely helps!

Almaden Quicksilver on April 17, 2016

Summit Meadows on April 23, 2016

Elizabeth keeps working on Obie Blankets.  While she can't make them at the pace she did before, it feels good to make something for Obie and for other babies gone too soon.

Of course, Chris already has his tattoo, which we've nicknamed the bumble butt.  It goes with him everywhere and Elizabeth is totally jealous.

Another small thing we've done is add a bee sticker to the 24th of every month on our wall calendar.  When Everett gets a little older, we'll try to have a specific thing we do on the 24ths.  Maybe it's family game time, maybe it's craft time, who knows?  But it will be something we do together.

Elizabeth still goes to support groups, though not as often as before.  It's trickier with the timing and making sure Evie has what he needs, and that she isn't gone too long (breastfeeding - more logistics than we ever thought possible).  Chris hasn't gone back to a support group since Evie was born, but he will at some point when the logistics are a bit easier.  It's good to have some time set aside to just focus on Oberon, although the people who know us are also interested in hearing about Everett.  The people we've met in support groups are incredibly (for lack of a better word) supportive.  They truly care about us and about Evie, and that's a really good feeling.  They understand that Evie doesn't replace Oberon, but that he is also special and brings us joy.

We suppose this could all be summed up in that we're trying to keep Oberon present in our day to day lives, along with special milestone days like his birthday (Obie's Bee Day) and Obie Xmas.  Life really is mostly the day to day, so integrating Oberon is important.

Is this what they mean when they talk about finding a new normal?  The idea seemed repulsive at first.  How can it ever be normal to live without your child?  It isn't, but you still have to get through the days.  Now that we're settling in more and more to being Everett's parents, there is more routine and less intensity.  It's very easy to include Oberon in the intense times - it's inevitable.  Both the good and the bad extremes are forever touched by him and will always include memories (and likely, tears).  It's the routine times that are tricky, so we're doing our best to be mindful.  Doing our best to keep our first boy in our hearts, in our minds, and on our tongues.

Chris, Elizabeth, and Oberon - December 10, 2014

Meet & Greet

Everett has been a busy guy!  He's now met both sets of grandparents, two aunts, one uncle, and two cousins!  In a couple weeks he'll meet another aunt, uncle, and two other cousins.  We love getting to introduce him to his extended family and love seeing our families pour out love for Evie, just like they do for his big brother, Oberon.

Everett hanging out with family.

Last week, Elizabeth took Everett to the office to meet many of Chris and Elizabeth's coworkers.  They organized a small fun gathering with cake and balloons, and Evie was a perfect gentleman while meeting lots of new people - alert and quiet!  Our co-workers were extremely generous and thoughtful, ensuring to ask what we would be comfortable with in advance and not dropping any big surprises on us (like they usually do for wedding and baby showers).  It was strange for Elizabeth to be back - she hasn't been in the office since a few weeks before Everett was born - but it was nice.

The next day, we also had a welcome party where Everett met some of our California community.  We didn't have a baby shower for Everett when Elizabeth was pregnant because it felt wrong, so we had the "Welcome Everett" party instead.  After he was here and healthy.  Again, our friends were wonderful (especially the party planners and hosts!) and it was nice to introduce Evie to more people, and some special friends closer to Evie's age.

A very special day for a very special guy.

Not too unexpectedly, quite a few families canceled the day of and days before the party.  Sick kids, sick adults, and even some contractions!  We missed those who couldn't make it, but we enjoyed seeing Evie react to the new faces of those that did.

Speaking of reactions, Everett had the most connection with (and smiles for) the fellow loss parents that have met him.  It's really an emotional experience for us (and it seems to be for them, too).  Evie must pick up on that, because he puts on a show.  Big, open eyes and a big, wide smile.  For Elizabeth, it's these moments where some of the positive emotions of having Everett here are closest to the surface.

One thing we started at Everett's welcome party is quilt squares.  We asked our friends to make squares for Evie, which will eventually become a quilt.  We're excited to keep adding to the stack so he can be wrapped with the words and drawings of the people who love him and his big brother.  There were a few drawings, cards, and gifts that mentioned Oberon - either directly or indirectly with Obie's bees.  These never go unnoticed, and always give our heart a little hug.

Evie is growing and learning every day, and like almost all parents we are amazed and amused by him.  He has a very sweet temperament (most of the time), and for that we know we are fortunate.  It still all feels a bit surreal.  While Evie's smiles make us smile and his cuddles warm our hearts, we still find ourselves missing Oberon constantly.  With less time in the day to focus on our grief, sometimes it comes out in force.  Sometimes triggers hit very intensely.  Maybe it's a specific book that triggers a memory, sometimes it's a sound that Everett makes just like his brother.   We talk with him about all his family members, including big brother Obie.  There is a big picture of Oberon on the wall behind the glider that Everett often looks at while getting burped.

Rocking tummy time with his scared-of-camera face.

We've also been busy getting more pictures up our walls.  The Oberon sunset photo Elizabeth had taken last year is now printed on a large canvas, hanging next to Obie's curio opposite a spread of four photos of Obie's bees that Chris took on hikes.  We've also gotten some pictures of Evie up on the walls too, integrating pictures of Evie with those of Obie already on the walls.  We'll run out of space eventually, but not yet!

New canvas pictures in the living room.