On The Move

We're moving!

As with everything these days, it's bittersweet. We're doing our best to focus on the sweet while still acknowledging the bitter. So in that spirit...

The Bitter.

• We're leaving our first home together. Our first family home. This is where Chris proposed, where we found out we were expecting Obie and Evie, where we set up the nursery for Obie, where we brought our boys home to. And yes, where Obie died. We don't think the full weight of leaving has hit us yet, but we expect it will be a tough few days.  

Showing Obie his room for the first time - December 9, 2014 (Obie Xmas)

The Sweet.

• More room!
• A yard!
• No more common living space drama!
• No carpet!
• A chance to set up a new family space, with places to memorialize Oberon and for Everett to safely play. Rather than fitting our babies into a full apartment, we get to start fresh with dedicated spaces for both our boys.
• We'll have a chance to set up a child-safe house from the get-go.

Evie playing in the new house - April 13, 2017

The Things to Accept.

• Our mortgage payment and property taxes have increased...a lot. We will need to adjust our lifestyle accordingly.
• There is a lot of work ahead of us to move and to get the new house where we want it to be.
• We need to buy almost a full house worth of new furniture! Exciting, but also daunting.

Everett has already been to the new house and really enjoys running all over. He's mastered the half step from the dining room to the family room and he loves opening and closing the closets.  The dowel rods to help lock the sliding doors also make great toys.

More and more every day, he is becoming his own person. His balance and physical development changes seemingly by the week. He walks, nearly runs, climbs, and climbs down. He hugs the cats (they let him do it, our cats are not normal).  He'd fantastic at making a mess with utensils, and just staring to understand they help him get the food into his mouth easier.

Giving Pepper a hug - April 12, 2017

Fun in the tub - March 29, 2017

Helping with the laundry - April 9, 2017

Food, glorious food - April 13, 2017

Emotionally, he's also going through changes. His face changes immediately when he hears "don't" or "no" - even if it's a very minor thing. He calms down, but the initial reaction always happens (so far). He hates being done with meals and will try to shovel in all the leftover bits when we start wiping him up. He still loves peek-a-boo and being chased, especially being "gotten." His endless giggles at at even the simplest things help us to relax and remember to enjoy spending as much time as we can with him.

Big smiles on the swing - April 1, 2017

Walking, But Not Yet Talking

We recently got back from a family trip to Lake Tahoe.  It was so nice to spend time with family, although colds and the flu made for some unfortunate quarantining.

Evie's first view of the lake - 3/3/2017

Evie got his first taste of playing in the snow, lots of time with his cousins Dominic and Gordon, and plenty of cuddles with Grandma F (he was a bit wary of Grandpa F, but we're sure he'll grow out of that soon - why are so many babies skittish around men?).

We were more into the snow than Evie was - 2/28/17

Chris and Elizabeth got to ski for the first time in three years, on day at Northstar and one at Homewood.  Post-knee surgery for him and post-pregnancies for her, and we did OK!  Elizabeth's brother and sister-in-law also got to experience the majesty of Lake Tahoe skiing for the first time (thanks, grandparents, for babysitting!).

 

Skiing at Homewood with gorgeous lake views - 3/1/17 

On the Northstar gondola, ready for the slopes - 2/27/17

We also got to visit and play lots of games.  Evie loves his big bouncy ball, building towers, and giving kisses!  It was so nice to be unplugged for nearly the whole week.   It was also nice to get back to Tahoe.  Although this was Evie's first trip, his big brother Obie had been to Tahoe before (on the inside).

Hugs for cousins - 3/1/17

Maybe it was watching his cousins, maybe it was the constant attention from so many adults, but Evie is now getting more and more comfortable on those feet!  His first steps were on Valentine's Day, but now nearly a month later he can make it across the room.

Evie's first steps - playing the take diapers out and put them back in the drawer game - 2/14/2017

Watching Evie toddle around, it's very clear that we are exiting the baby phase.  It's a weird feeling because we've been in the baby phase much longer than normal.  We've been in the baby phase - from trying to conceive to having a toddler - for over three years.  Of course we hoped parenting would eventually involve all the phases, but it still stings to be moving on to a new one, and Obie isn't able to experience it.

The boys - March 3, 2017

Raising an Activist

Our family has a lot of privilege.  A lot.

We're white, heterosexual, married, cisgender, and college-educated with no remaining student loans.  Chris is a man.  We were raised in still-married two-parent households. By and large, we are not targets for discrimination.

However, especially with the new administration going the way it is, we can't stay silent.  So, as a family, we participated in the Women's March in San Jose.  It was Everett's first peaceful protest, but it will not be his last.  Grandma and Grandpa Thoma were also in town for a visit and we are proud they marched along side us.

Marching in San Jose at the Women's March on January 21, 2017.  Everett was sleeping.

Of course, Evie is too small to understand protests, discrimination, and sexism.  That doesn't mean it isn't time for us to start instilling in him the important values that drive us to protest (and take other actions like calling our representatives, donating to legal action organizations, and volunteering).

• Compassion.  Even though most of the issues don't impact us directly, they do impact other people.  We stand with them and we support them.
• Privilege.  We have it and Evie has it.  How can we be good allies?
• Knowledge.  We don't automatically know things.  We need to learn - by talking to people, by listening to experts about their research and learnings, and by recognizing things we experience directly.
• Action.  It's one thing to think about the world and these issues, but nothing changes if people don't get off their butts!

How will we do this day-to-day?  Of course we will learn as we go.  In the spirit of learning from others, we found some fantastic resources and jumping off points:

• Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's 15-point guide to raising a feminist.  This is lengthy, but so worth it.  It is addressed to someone raising a daughter, and an Igbo daughter at that.  Even the specifics towards raising a girl and someone with African tribal heritage are illuminating for these boy parents.
• 9 Tips for Raising a Socially Aware Child.  This list is practical, which makes it very helpful!  It also linked to this meaty (and link-filled) blog post about talking racism with white kids. 
• How You Can Raise an Activist Kid: A Teen's Perspective.  It is what it sounds like and offers practical advice from the child's point of view.  Our favorite quote is this one, "Tell them they will be good at the things they value because they will put more time into them, not because they were born smart or gifted."

We're planning on participating in the March for Science in April, and we'll be keeping our ears and hearts open for more opportunities to get out and speak up.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a Social Justice Warrior!

527,040 Minutes

Holiday festivities weren't the only things worth celebrating during our Michigan trip, someone was about to turn one!

Everett on his birthday, 1/7/2017

Since Evie's first birthday was right around the corner, we had an early celebration in mid-December.  We booked a Gymboree (thanks, Grandma F, for the assist!) and are so glad we did.  Evie loved it.  He had huge smiles crawling around on the equipment and especially when doing the group activities.  He loved the group activity which involved shaking maracas so much, that he refused to let go of the maracas for the next half hour (and screamed if Mommy tried to sneak one away).

Gymboree birthday party, 12/18/2016

He had his first taste of cake (didn't care), watched his cousins and friends play (totally loved it), and his first attempts at present opening (not into it).  We were so touched that our friends and family made time during this busy time of year to come visit and play.

We took advantage of Everett's aunt, the photographer, and booked a cake smash photo shoot.  In order to get Evie to interact with the cake, we had to put strawberries on it.  Don't believe everything you see, that baby was tricked!  We were prepared for a big mess, but that just wasn't his style that day.

Sandra Joanne Photography

On Evie's actual birthday, we had plans to go hiking but the weather did not allow it.  Northern California got some much needed rain leading up to, during, and after Everett turned one.  Good for the parks we love, but not good for getting out of the house that day.  Instead, we spent time as a family, gave Everett his gifts from us, and relaxed.

Hanging out with the birthday boy, 1/7/2017

The big party was the day after Evie's birthday, and it was better than we ever expected.  Despite the rainy weather, lots of our local friends made the trip over.  Everett got to play with LOTS of little kids including babies, toddlers, and a few bigger kids.  He didn't get too overwhelmed until the very end, and luckily stranger danger isn't a huge problem for us.

Party time - 1/8/2017

It was an awesome day, filled with amazing and supportive people.  We're so glad we bit the bullet to have a birthday party that Evie won't remember, but there will be pictures of and we can tell him all about it on future birthdays.  Plus, we found out that he greatly prefers chocolate cake (takes after Mommy).

More first birthday party fun - 1/8/2017

Now, on the other side of 1-year-old, things feel a bit different.  Easier, maybe.  We catch ourselves using the word "baby," knowing we can't use it much longer.  Evie is growing up, just as we hope for our children.  We are so excited seeing him learn and figuring things out.

The past year seems both short and long.  It seems like a lifetime ago that Elizabeth was pregnant, that we were up every 2-3 hours with a newborn.  It seems like a hundred years since we held Oberon, and that stings.  So much has happened.

We'll keep on keeping on, enjoying the time we get with Evie and trying to limit frustration, keeping it in perspective.  Evie has started shaking his head, and we know that N-O is just around the corner.  There is so much more excitement than trepidation as we head into toddlerhood.  New challenges will come up, keeping Oberon present will require balance and flexibility, and more smiles and moments will fill our hearts than we could ever imagine.

Our family - January 14, 2017 - photo by Abby Alger Photography

*A note on the title.  Since Everett was born in a leap year, there were 527,040 minutes in his first year.  Not quite as catchy as the non-leap year total.

A White (And Blue) Christmas

It took a few days, but we're finally back in California and fairly decompressed.  The travel to Chicago and Michigan was largely amazing (beautiful snow!), but exhausting all the same.

We had the opportunity to spend time with loved ones who we rarely see in person, and that is always good for our souls.  This year in addition to the usual suspects, we visited with rainbow babies, PAL mamas, and loss families.  Seeing these people interact with Everett is very special.  Talking with these same people about Oberon is also extremely comforting.  We saw it somewhere in reference to the loss community - "You meet the best people for the worst reason."  We certainly feel that way.

Like seemingly everything these days, the whole month of December was bittersweet, including our holidays.  Watching Everett play with his cousins and friends was heartwarming, followed by stinging tears from seeing yet another experience Oberon never had.  Finding the balance is a daily struggle, but we did our best.

Meeting Santa for the second time (Henry Ford Museum) - December 21, 2016

Rocking his new Woody hat from Grandma & Grandpa F - December 23, 2016

This was our first quasi-normal Christmas since 2013.  In 2014, Oberon was here.  Our families visited on and around Christmas, but it certainly wasn't traditional and we did not see extended family in person (but we did see them on screen).  Last year, Elizabeth was 8.5 months pregnant, so there was no flying.  Again we did video-chatting and mailing gifts, but there were no meals or hours-long visits.

Things have changed since 2013.  Chris's parents are no longer in Michigan during the holidays.  Chris's grandfather and Elizabeth's grandmother passed away.  There are new babies, new houses, and new spouses.

We agree that the holiday traditions were easier on us than we feared, but we also agree that having the "year off" in 2015 was beneficial to us.  We missed Oberon fiercely this year, but we had Everett to focus on.  We watched Evie play, had to make sure he was fed and comfortable, all those little (and large) parenting duties.  The thought of being in those rooms, in those groups, doing the holiday things without a little beastie of our own underfoot...it's intensely dark.  We had the excuses of being far away and unable to travel, but even if those weren't true we may not have participated in the holidays last year - at least not in the normal way.

Everyone is different, and finds different things healing vs. triggering, helpful vs. hurtful.  For us, sitting with loved ones watching them parent, watching their children run amok while we had empty arms would've been more bad than good.  We know that now.  It's a common theme in grief support groups to tell each other to take care of your heart, and if opting out is what you need - do it.  It's easy to say, but harder to do.  There are so many expectations around the holidays.  From people to visit and parties to attend to which moods are acceptable and what topics are allowed.  While it is wonderful when families can get together and celebrate in love, it is also important to acknowledge when those we love need something else.  Maybe it's a walk to get away for a minute, maybe it's not to attend at all.  

The holiday downsides weren't all grief-related.  Everyone got sick in one form or another, and Everett legit vomited for the first time.  Spit up, this was not.  Beet juice everywhere and chunks of food, this was.  Chris, Elizabeth, and Grandma F got varying degrees of disgusting and Evie got a couple of sink baths.  He was a trooper and after long naps seemed good as new.  We will, however, be cautious with beets going forward.

Christmas morning, 2016 - pre-beet explosion.

Because of all the sickness, we didn't let Evie play in the snow like we had planned.  It sure was beautiful, but not worth making any lingering illness worse.  Everett did get some time in the cold nippy air in beautiful Ann Arbor earlier in the week (you may recall, this was a promise), so that will have to suffice for now.

Don't worry guys, he didn't step on the M.  December 21, 2016

After traveling back home to California, we are catching up on some rest and trying to shake the last coughs and sniffles.  We made it through the anniversary of Obie's death (it sucked).  And we started a tradition for our little family - presents on New Year's Eve.  Since we will most likely be traveling for Christmas most years, it makes sense for us to have our gift exchange after we get back and are simply enjoying time together as a family.  Bonus, Everett finally seems to be getting the hang of opening gifts!

Opening New Year's Eve gifts, 2016

And now, we prepare to go back to daily life.  Embark on a new year.  Who knows what's in store?  Probably a mix of good things and bad, probably surprisingly wonderful parenting moments and unexpected triggers.  We know we can't control everything, but we're hoping for more good than bad.

That Time Of The Year

Here we are, in the thick of it.

Oberon's second birthday was spent much like his first.  We asked people to think of him and share with us.   We donated to the Pollinator Partnership and FNIH.  We went to Uvas Canyon and hiked all the trails we did when we scattered his ashes there.

Hiking at Uvas Canyon - 11/24/16

We also decided to donate to Uvas Canyon and provide a bench with a memorial plaque for Obie.  The bench is at Manzanita Point, a spot on the Alec Canyon Trail with a beautiful view of the valley below and one of the places with Obie's ashes.  We all spent some time on the bench, thinking about Oberon, enjoying the view, and letting Evie get out of the carrier for a bit.

Enjoying Oberon's bench at Uvas Canyon - 11/24/16

It was surreal.  While we have been back to Uvas Canyon a number of times, there were certain trails we hadn't retraced.  We hadn't been to the Old Logging Camp or Knobcone Point since that first visit.  Going back was heavy, but ultimately it was good for us.  Both physically (inclines!) and emotionally.

At Knobcone point - 11/24/16

Many friends, family, and acquaintances sent us messages or posts with #obiesbeeday.  Each one brought us a little bit of warmth, a little bit of comfort.  Truthfully, there were fewer messages than last year.  While not unexpected, it still hurts.  Most kids meet more new people and impact more lives with each passing year.  Oberon won't be able to do that, and it's likely that each year fewer people will be able to keep him close to the forefront.  It's understandable, but it's still painful.

Obie's Bee Day fell on Thanksgiving this year.  We didn't celebrate traditional Thanksgiving, but Chris did make a Bee Day cake.  Everett's first taste of cake was his brother's lemon bundt cake (he was not a huge fan).

Obie's Bee Day cake - 11/24/16

Chris also found an Oberon watch to buy on Obie's Bee Day, which seemed kind of perfect.

Obie's Bee Day watch - purchased 11/24/16

Obie's Bee Day triggers the "on this day" onslaught on Facebook.  The few posts from before we knew how bad things were, announcing coming home to hospice care, the NILMDTS pictures, visitors...day after day being reminded of Oberon's short life.

After Obie's Bee Day, the next big milestone is Obie Xmas.  We celebrated again this year by giving gifts to our families to help take care of themselves.  Elizabeth had planned to have things for our family in Obie's stocking to open on Obie Xmas, but most of it didn't arrive until the day after.  It was disappointing.  Evie is still too young to realize, but it still feels like coming up short as parents.  We're pretty good at letting things slide and being gentle with ourselves in general, but the Obie-focused days are harder. We have so few things to hold onto, it feels like if we relax our hold it will slip away completely.  If we don't make it happen, if we let things slide, why even bother?

Even though some Obie Xmas gifts were late, we did have things to open from Obie's grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.  Evie had fun learning to open presents (his first occasion for such things), and we all got some odds and ends to keep us fed, clean, and warm.  Chris and Elizabeth talked a bit about their memories of bringing Obie home, using his nursery, and listening to the rain.

It's good to remember, and also exhausting.  It truly is like carrying a load.  Sometimes you can be distracted and it doesn't feel quite as heavy.  Other times you focus on it and aren't sure how you can continue to bear it.

The focus is on now, and we're also trying to balance planning Everett's first holiday season, travel, and our first snowy weather since 2013.  While we are excited to be going home for the holidays, we are also a bit anxious.  It's hard to predict how we'll feel or what triggers may pop up.  Will we emotionally "check out" to keep ourselves sane?  Will we be sobbing messes?  Will we need a lot of down time?  Will we feel pretty OK until guilt comes in?  Will we make Evie's first holiday experiences magical?  Will we get sick?  Will there be weather issues?  There's no way to know.

We do know:

• There's a lot of pressure.  And there will definitely be at least one thing that doesn't go as planned.
• We will get to spend time with people we love, and who love us and our boys.
• Everett will see snow for the first time.
• Travel is going to be stressful.

From there, we will be trying our best to focus on the good moments when they come and breathe through the tough moments.  

Fun in the Sun(shine State)

Everett added another state to his list - Florida!

 Sanibel Island - 11/5/16

As Evie gets older, the strategies when flying with him change.  He's still a champion flyer, but more than 5 hours is starting to ask a little too much.  We booked a non-stop flight from San Francisco to Ft. Lauderdale, hoping for the best.  He did amazing, slept a lot and was quiet (but happy) when awake.  The captains announced we would be landing soon, and we both breathed a sigh of relief.

Turns out, the trip wasn't quite over and instead, we were being re-routed to West Palm Beach, where we would be stuck until they re-opened Ft. Lauderdale airport.  In short, a package plane caught fire on the runway (seriously) so no flights were being allowed to land.  You can read more about it here, if you're interested.

What it meant for us was a delay with little to no real information.  The airline we were flying had no gates at West Palm Beach airport, so we were stuck on the plane.  Cue the rabble-rousing as people flipped out about being held hostage.  There were definitely adults on that plane handling the unexpected worse than Evie.  From our perspective, we were just trying to keep him happy and were starting to worry that we didn't pack enough snacks.

Luckily, the airport people did their jobs quickly and the delay only ended up being 2-3 hours in total.  While it put us in much later than expected, we didn't run out of food or diapers on hand (yay!).  And while Evie did start getting cranky and frustrated not being able to move around on his own, we really can't complain.  Snacks, toys that attach to things, nursing, and giving him lots of attention were the keys.  Not letting our frustration and irritation take over was the other major key.

At FLL airport, ready to be done travelling - 10/28/16

The next day, visiting began.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins!  Evie just loved watching his cousins and getting attention from all these new people.  We were a little concerned that "stranger danger" would have reared it's head by this trip; turns out that concern wasn't necessary.  Evie had a blast with his family.  One thing we were a little less prepared for was just how overstimulating the trip would be for Evie.  Once we figured out that we needed to force some down time here and there, his fussiness improved.

Visiting with cousins - 10/29/16

Thoma Family - 10/30/16

Playing with Grandma and Grandpa - 11/4/16

We talked about bringing Obie's Molly Bear for the trip, but again we settled on his yellow "O."  It comforts our hearts to see him included, but on the flip side it hurts when we forget to pull it out.  While we got lots of lovely photos of the kids with the "O," we did forget to bring it trick-or-treating.  This always brings guilt, maybe more than it should.

Speaking of trick-or-treating, it was a wonderful experience to be able to do that.  If we were home in California, there's no way we would have done it.  We wouldn't have even had a real excuse to dress up at all.  Everett's first Halloween would have been just a cute animal onesie and a photo op.  Instead, he got the real deal!  A full-out family costume and going door-to-door.

Pumpkin patch - 10/30/16

Pretty proud of how this turned out - Elliott, E.T., and the moon! - 10/31/2016

Evie had a lot of firsts on this trip - first Florida visit, first crazy air travel story, first Halloween, first trip to the beach, first cheese, and first Michigan-Michigan State game (he wore San Jose State gear, in case you were wondering, Go Blue and Yellow Spartans!).

Quick pre-game family selfie - 10/29/16

Another special first was meeting up with another rainbow family.  Evie loved hanging out with baby Louie, and we loved hanging out with Louie's parents.  Louie and Everett are less than two weeks apart, and their older siblings Piper and Oberon were born less than a week apart.  Although none of us had met in person before, we all had an enjoyable day.  There's something different about being with people who "get" baby loss, and we really appreciated the chance to meet Louie and his family in real life.

Flamingo Gardens with friends - 11/2/16 

#EvieAndLouieAdventures - 11/2/16

He must have really been paying attention to his cousins and friends, because the week in Florida and the days after included a huge increase in mobility.  He's an expert at the inchworm scoot and is pulling up to standing on anything he can.

This guy can scoot - 11/12/16

He's clearly starting the transition from baby to toddler, and it's wonderful to see.  A lot of parents express wishing their children would stay younger longer or asking "where did my baby go?"  We will do our best never to say those kinds of things.  We know what it's like to have a baby not grow up.  While we will reminisce about younger Everett, we will never ask him to slow down.  He will grow and change, our relationship will grow and change.  There will be challenges, and some day he'll tell us he hates us or some other hurtful thing.  And in the back of our heads we will be so happy that he's able to do that.